Rui Da Costa

Back to Normal?

First full week back after the holidays. Back to work, back to routine, back to trying to figure out what I’m doing with my life.

Work was fine. Still adjusting, still feeling like I’m playing catch-up. I don’t need to say the “i” word again. I feel like I’ve said it enough this last month (it’s still there). But I’m showing up, doing the work, trying to learn. That’s about all I can do right now.

Wednesday was New Year’s Eve. I could’ve stayed home, but some friends were doing a low-key, game night thing. The weather was shit: snow, ice, terrible driving conditions, but I went anyway. Drove through it, showed up, hung out with people. It was nice to spend some time with people and not think about all the other crap going on.

I posted something on Facebook a few days ago about how 2025 has been a lot. About the tailspin in September, stopping drinking, trying to be better at all the things I feel like I’m failing at. I wasn’t really expecting much from it, just needed to get it out there. But a bunch of people reached out. Messages, comments, people checking in.

Here’s the weird thing: it helped. I still feel a bit lonely but it’s nice knowing people are there. That people care and want me to succeed. Do I still feel like I’m failing? Of course. But this was a nice boost for me to actually do something about it. My job has an employee assistance program that includes counseling. So I got the ball rolling; I don’t know what’s going to come from it, but it feels like the right move. I’ve been trying to work through all this stuff: the separation, the job change, the sobriety, being a better person. And I’m realizing that maybe I need some real help to do it.

It’s not like flipping a switch where suddenly everything’s better. But it’s a step. Another thing I’m showing up for, even when I don’t feel ready or confident about it.

The documentary stuff is still moving forward. Working on grant applications, editing sample footage. Ultimate is still happening. The weekly posts are still happening. Life keeps going whether I feel ready for it or not.

Today I’m taking some time in the kitchen. Pickling some vegetables, brining salmon, making spreadable tofu, and frying up spicy cabbage pancakes. It’s one of those things that helps me work through stuff. Being creative with food, experimenting, making something with my hands. It’s a good reminder that not everything has to be about solving problems or fixing things. Sometimes you just make savory pancakes.

See you next week.

Holiday Storms

I drove out to my parents’ place this week for Christmas, five hours from home with all the usual holiday logistics spinning in my head. Coordinating schedules, making sure everyone could be in the same place at the same time, the weight of trying to make it all work. It’s exhausting before you even arrive.

Christmas Eve, I tried to let that go. Just be there. Sit with my family, be present instead of managing everything. It’s harder than it sounds, but I needed it.

Christmas Day I drove to drop off Luka and Teo. That particular drive, that handoff: it never gets easier. You do it because you have to, but it definitely sits heavy.

Then a storm hit. What was supposed to be a few inches turned into nearly a foot of snow, and suddenly my dad and I were out stacking firewood he’d been meaning to get to. Thirty-plus years he’s been heating that house with wood. Thirty-plus years of this same rhythm: split it, store it, stack it, burn it. Winter after winter.

There’s something steadying about that kind of work. Physical, simple, necessary. After all the emotional logistics of the holiday, it was exactly what I needed. Just move wood; get it done. No complicated feelings, just the task in front of you.

I grabbed some footage while we worked, talked to my dad, and put together this short piece about it:

Sometimes the simplest things are what ground you when everything else feels like too much.